Keep on Walking

This semester has been one to remember. In a lot of moments I felt like it was one that I never wanted to remember, and maybe after final grades are in, I may still feel that way! To say the least, it's been harder than I thought it would be. It seems that I've gotten better at making lists. However, they're not generally lists to keep me on track. Their lists of weaknesses that I keep seeing. Example:

I'm not going to get a single A in any class this semester. In fact, I'm going to get my first D.
I haven't worked as much as I should, so now I have to borrow money.
I am sometimes a cocky know-it-all.
I haven't reached more than one of my end of year goals, and that I reached in September.
I don't eat very healthily, but I struggle to find motivation to change that.
I thought I'd be dating someone.
I haven't written in my journal in over a month.
Mostly I just feel like I'm faling at a lot of things in my life right now.

Anyways, those are the kinds of lists that I make and it's not a good thing. Luckily I have been in a stress management class that is helping me a lot. I also have the scriptures and prayer and church to help guide me. And family and friends. I have had the best support this semester with family and friends helping me make good lists of myself when I call them crying and distressed.

This semester after coming home from my mission has been hard for me too in that I feel like I have lost direction. I have lost the passion and ambition for my studies. I'm annoyed with myself for not having a plan. My plan for the better part of the semester followed along these lines:
    My future depends on if I get married or not. If I get married, I have a plan to become exactly what I want to be--a super awesome wife and mother. If I don't get married, I'm not sure what I'll do. I don't LOVE any one thing that I think will keep me satisfied very long as a single person. 
But I've also come to realize that I can't fulfill that goal on my own and it's frustrating. Over the semester though I have begun to develop a plan for the next year that helps me feel peace. I don't know if it's going to help me move towards achieving that goal, but a wise friend of mine once said, "Live as if you're not going to get married. And then when you do, what a blessing! But that way you don't miss out on experiences as a single person."

Then one night one of my best friends, Sarah Kennedy, suggested that we go reverse trick-or-treating. We dressed up and bought some candy. We put it in a bowl and went to various apartments buildings and gave candy away to others. We were drawn to this one apartment where we could hear a group of people playing the guitar and singing along. We knocked on the door and they invited us right in. the two guys on the guitar each played and sang us a song. It was awesome. One of them sang, "Keep on Walking" by Passenger.

I LOVE the message. It is so relevant. I'll let you interpret the song for yourself, but I wanted to point out two parts that have really helped me this semester.

I thought to myself, "Oh, son
You may be lost in more ways than one"
But I've a feeling that it's more fun
Than knowing exactly where you are.

I have not known where I am a lot this semester, in regards to how my future is going to pan out, but maybe it is fun to kind of muddle through it and learn and have experiences. I am trying to enjoy it anyways!

I'll keep on walking
Oh, I'll keep on walking
Until I find that old love or that old love comes to find me.

This is another thing that I'm really working on. I just need to keep on walking. If I keep on walking, I'll either find my old passion for becoming a personal trainer, or it will find me, or I'll find something else that really motivates me and I'll have the direction back in my life. I just have to keep on walking.

Anyways, this is a little rambly, but I wanted to get it down. I wish it was more positive and I wish that I was just feeling like everything in my life is perfect. I do feel like everything in my life is how it should be for the learning and growing that I need right now and I am grateful for all the good that there is in my life. 

To wrap it up I'd like to share a part of my scripture study the other day. I was reading the December Ensign and read a quote from Elder Oaks that I am trying to incorporate into my daily thinking. He observed, "How fundamentally different my life is than I had sought to plan! My professional life has changed. My personal life has changed. But the commitment I made to the Lord--to put Him first in my life and to be ready for whatever He would have me do--has carried me through these changes of eternal importance." 

I know that as I look to God for direction, I will find it. As I continue to study the scriptures and say my prayers and go to teach and treat others with love and kindness, I will be okay. The Lord will carry me through all the ups and downs and turns of life.