Okay folks. I am a positive person! I really love my life! And every post I write, I tell how awesome my life is! And I believe it! I have a great life and I love living it! But, I'm real too. Not every single day is all peachy keys and I don't have everything in life figured out. You see, there's not an easy way to express this, but I feel like for my blog readers that might also feel a little in limbo, hearing that they're not the only ones might help. And that's what I want to do with this post. Help people feel good about themselves by giving them something to connect to.
I have goals. I do. My goals are to be a good person. I want to someday be a good wife and a good mother. Those are my main goals. I want to be nice and make a difference in people's lives. Those are good goals. I like those goals. That's what I want to do. But, I am not in complete control of when I'll get married and it's very hard to measure kindness and goodness. My goals don't have a time limit and they don't have a measure. That's something I'm very not used to. In high school I had goals to be in the 10,000 shot club; to win the state championship; to graduate; and to get into BYU. All of those things had dead lines. My goals outside of high school were Get into BYU and then the goals that I already mentioned. So, I am struggling to stay motivated in school. I struggle to find the motivation to want A's. I am settling for B's which was never acceptable to me in high school. I know I could get A's if I would just buckle down and focus and study... instead of blogging :). But my goal is not to be a working woman. I don't want to be a business woman or a career woman very much. So, it's hard to stay super motivated in my school work. But I know I need to be in school and get my degree because it may be the case that I get through school and I won't be married and my goals will still be waiting and I'll be a working woman and so I can't quit and I can't leave. Which leads me to the next thing that makes me really--real...
I am feeling a little restless. I wonder if I should change my major... Am I'm doing something that I really love and being a Exercise and Wellness major for right reasons? I was so sure when I picked this major last year, but now I'm restless. I question myself. And along with being restless comes some rash thinking... like I should cut my hair off, or dye it. Just some kind of change! Or transfer to BYU Hawaii or Wyoming. Or just skip a year of school and move to somewhere and get a job. Or leave the country for a few months (which I really really want to do, and might follow in Livi's footsteps. We'll see.) You know... just restlessness. I have a great life. I'm not trying to find a way to run away. Just sometimes there needs to be some kind of big change or something! I don't know.
And then there's like a little bit of identity crisis! Some of you might be surprised, I'm kind of shy, especially when I'm out of comfort zone: my own home/apartment, my family/roommates. But when I'm in my comfort zone I'm crazy, and weird and silly and embarrassing, but I don't get embarrassed in my comfort zone. But then I go out of my comfort zone, and I kind of get a little reclusive or kind of hide behind my roommates. I struggle to get the courage to meet people. And then I have an identity crisis. Am I outgoing and silly, or am I shy? I just don't know. I once read a post about introverted extraverts and that is me. And it's a conflict. It really is. It's hard to figure out if I'm shy or silly; or if I'm embarrassed or don't care. It's just a struggle to know, ya know?!
So folks, that's some truths into my life. My life is great and I love it! But sometimes I am confused with myself and where I'm headed and when, and I struggle to stay motivated about some things and that's the fact about life. It's not bad, it's just normal. And I'm real.
Tessa, I think you're perfect, AND perfectly normal, too! :) I can relate to a lot of this post. In college I was ALWAYS attending the study abroad fairs, and humanitarian oversees meetings, and applied to BYU Hawaii quite a few times...anything that would take me on an adventure abroad for a semester. In the end I ended up adventuring with Heather in Europe for a semester, which was the best experience EVER. So my advice is look into everything and definitely go have yourself an adventure when the timing is right! BYU Hawaii for a semester is still something I regret never doing!? :) And B's are great! If you were getting A's at BYU, that would mean you're probably studying too hard to have any fun, right!? And I feel your pain about being outgoing vs. shy. In every personality test I've taken I fall right in between being an introvert and an extrovert, which I think is the best place to be, because we can relate to both sides. :) And school can, indeed, be a drag, but hang in there! There's few things better than reaching that lofty goal of having a college degree. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteI love this Tessa! And I think it is so normal.... or maybe we're both weird, because I have/am feeling all of those things. Life is so great, but it's not bad to want a change! So do it--cut your hair, have an adventure, break out of your shell--I am confident that whatever you choose will be marvelous, because that's just who you are!
ReplyDeleteI just read this (not sure how I missed it...) and I almost cried! We try so hard to make our lives seem fabulous, but we have struggles too. I'm glad we focus on the positive, cause that's the bet thing to do. Plus, the positive is real too! Thankfully we have more positive than negative, but thanks so much for voicing your trials. I might need to do this about my trip. As awesome as it's been, it's been far from pure bliss! Haha I love you and can't wait to see you! Hang in there! And I ditto everything Tina said :)
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